My husband was recently offered a job at a local, lucrative firm. When he came home to tell me about this potential offer, I had literally just posted about awareness and gratitude, and although I’d love to write that I responded to my husband in a supporting but calm way, remaining totally chill about whether or not our income would double, in truth I couldn’t hold back a flood of relief and excitement.
Now, this job offer was not a “given.” My husband’s workload would double, requiring many evenings and weekends away from home. He would also be in a more stressful environment. These potential pitfalls were troubling to him, and I knew they should be to me as well. But in truth I couldn’t get over the overall impression that this was the job-income miracle I had been hoping for, one that would relieve the pressure I felt regarding post-doctoral work.
When the road to this job became rougher and potential complications arose about when my husband could leave his current job and how that would affect the courting firm, I felt like the beautiful, luxurious rug that had been placed at my feet had suddenly been pulled out from under me. What I thought was mostly a “given” proved to be as unreliable as pretty much anything found in this world.
These roller-coaster days of will-he, won’t-he were compounded by the illness of my little girl, which turned out to be nothing more than a nasty sinus cold, but still worried and exhausted this devoted mama.
In short, one day I was a serene as I had ever been, totally at peace with all elements of my life.
The next, I couldn’t see beyond my anxiety about the present and the future.
The only thing that kept me grounded was the reminder of the blog post I had just shared about gratitude. I forced myself to consciously, deliberating count all of my blessings and pray about my concerns, rather than doing what I so often had: spiraling out in an aggressive, anxious manner that left no hope for me or peace for my family and friends.
My dad once said that you never quit smoking; you are always quitting. The fight is never over. That is how I have come to see my battle against anxiety and struggle to keep the faith in God and His promises. While I would love to be debt-free with a sturdy savings account and lots of fun money, I recognize that if my husband’s work opportunity doesn’t pan out, all will be well. Maybe God has more to teach me about appreciating what I have, or maybe someone else needs that job more than we do. No matter what, all of the blessings I wrote about last week are still present in my life, which remains a cause to sing for joy and embrace the contentment to be found now, in my/our present, abundant circumstances.