I’ve been a little crabby the past few days. “Snippy” if you will, indicating that there is a low boil just waiting for the right moment to burst.
Last night I couldn’t help myself: I started complaining to my husband about everything I could possibly think of, including money frustrations, inappropriate social norms, my body, worries about the future, and on and on. Even though I knew I was being a real Debbie Downer when honestly my poor husband just wanted to watch Futurama and go to sleep, I just couldn’t seem to stop. This morning I woke up feeling agitated yet again, and decided to take a step back and figure out when and why this crab-fest began.
It didn’t take long to realize that I have recently begun this huge self/house improvement kick, including daily cleaning (trying to do this with a pre-schooler is especially self-defeating), cooking all of our meals, exercising, and so on. In truth, I felt like I was not enough–and that I would be judged for a dirty house, the McDonald’s bags I was bringing into the house with my daughter trailing behind, the weight I have gained—and that damn it, I could change. Change it all. In basically a day.
The problem is that I am not a humanoid version of the Energizer bunny and after attempting to improve all areas of my life (after determining that I was somehow not enough in each of them) I became exhausted, irritated, and unable to show any kindness or love to anyone else because I was too wrapped up in all this nonsense.
So today I choose to: eat pancakes and celebrate the body that I already have; play with my daughter without stopping to do some chore every 10 minutes; pay attention through an entire story that someone else is telling me instead of worry about the next thing I *should* be doing; and trust that God will provide the money we need, the opportunities we seek, and more blessings than this feeble mind can imagine.
In short, I’m going to take care of myself, be nice to myself, and, as a result, be better equipped to take care of others. No more snipping, snapping, sniping, at others or myself. Rather, it’s time to once again change course on the journey and choose to put self-improvement on the back burner and accept the self that is now.